Tuesday, 11 February 2014

A Gedanken re. Jack Bauer & the doctrine of Necessity.

Spoiler alert- the forthcoming Jack Bauer film, like many other Hollywood blockbusters which shameless rip-off yours truly, is based on the following blog post.


Jack Bauer has come to learn that the following propositions are factually correct-
1) Ambassador McFaul will fill his hands with his own feces and fling the said feces at Vladimir Putin at the Sochi Winter Olympics closing ceremony, thus triggering the thermonuclear annihilation of the planet, unless Michelle Obama discontinues her degrading habit of tickling his tummy and remarking 'who's a good boy then?'.
2) Michelle Obama will only stop tickling Ambassador McFaul's tummy and saying 'who's a good boy then?' if Barry takes her to Specsavers.
3) Barry will only take Michelle to Specsavers if, the 'Ethical Genius of Georgetown', the gorgeous, pouting, Prof. Jason Brennan, once again takes on the redoubtable role of 'Debbie dun Dallas Dresner and attempts to extort money from POTUS by pretending to be an attorney representing the website 'How to be Black' and alleges that Barry dun bin channeling Baratunde and owes mega-bucks for Intellectual property rights infringement and so Barry realizes that the only lawyer smart enough to get him off is his wife Michelle but she sorely needs them half moon reading glasses, that Specavers have a discount on, which Juries like totally eat up, provided they are sported by truly epic callipygian hotties like Palanniappan Chidambaram not to mention Kapil Sibal, except I did just mention Kapil Sabil and will have to go away for a bit for a quiet wank.
Jack Bauer has now cornered Prof Jason Brennan and attempts to reason with him-
Jack- Prof. Brennan, you gotta immediately extort Pres. Barry. Billions of lives are at stake. Please, please, pretty please!
Brennan- Fuck off. Ever since I tried to extort Vivek Iyer- that horrible declasse Tambram piece of shit- I keep having nightmares of that deranged fuckwit lecturing me on the phone about, anti-Mahaffy, Irish Catholic antinomian ethics and shite.
Jack- But, don't you understand, Humanity will be wiped out unless you once again don the wig of Debbie dun Dallas Dresner?'
Brennan- Would that be such a bad thing? At least, that fucker Vivek Iyer will get what's coming to him.
Jack- Vivek will survive! Because he is a miserly little shit, he orders takeout idli-sambar only from the filthiest South Indian eatery in existence! Indeed, he is their only customer! Thus, he has ingested such a huge quantity of cockroach intestines as to have become a cockroach himself! I tell you, he has become the king of the cockroaches- which species, as you well know, will survive the Nuclear holocaust and rule over this planet! Don't you understand! This is all part of Vivek's cunning plan!
Brennan- It is for the best. Humanity is too good for this planet. I have guarded my anal cherry for Ayn Rand, who has a dick in Heaven. Dying to this earth, where I was but a soi disant Bleeding Heart Libertarian, I am reborn to her brusque buggery for, as you know, Ayn only sodomizes virgins for in her Heaven where all revert to that condition of sempeternal sophomorehood such, as it is my proud boast, I alone have sustained all through my career as a Public Intellectual.
Jack- Are you saying, if you were buggered here and now, Ayn would disdain your backside?
Brennan- Yes! Of course! Ayn don't do sloppy seconds. If I were buggered on earth, I'd spend eternity in that Hell described by Doestoevsky, suffering that sorrow that arises from one's inability to be anally Ayn Rand reamed.

Under the Common Law Doctrine of Necessity (Braxton), and keeping in mind that U.S foreign policy is bankrupt, does Jack Bauer have a defense in Law for what he does next?

1 comment:

  1. The Doctrine of Necessity does apply, under American Common Law, with respect to Bankruptcy proceedings, such that essential business services can be carried on- e.g. paying employees- in a manner that is not prejudicial to any creditor.
    It is difficult to see how the hypothetical case which you present- no matter how characteristic of the dilemma's of Obama era American Foreign Policy- has any bearing on the Common Law Doctrine of Necessity.
    Is it your contention that sodomizing Georgetown Professors is part and parcel of the usual conduct of the State Dept. ? If not, no legal defense obtains, notwithstanding all objective confirmation of the parlous state and bankrupt condition of American Diplomacy.